bruising stages

I started off ignorant. A little too careful of my fragile heart. Dan sampai pada akhirnya tanpa tahu mengapa dan bagaimana, I kind of opened up. Little, by little. Hingga tahap ini, tahap ketika mulai berani membuka diri lagi secara perlahan-lahan, I realized I was kind of falling. Slowly... A little too slow that I didn't really feel significant changes but surely, I was falling.

At first I didn't look forward to meeting him. But my heart thought he deserves a chance. I thought that would be different, even after all the same things that occurred, but I wanted to believe otherwise. I thought he got me in the palm of his hands.

I used to go out with you. Tapi dengan rasa sadar yang sesadar-sadarnya yang dirasakan saat itu hanyalah sebatas, "oh oke kita jalan bareng lagi." pun memiliki pikiran akan kemungkinan-kemungkinan setelahnya tidak pernah terbesitkan. Atau mengenai rencana adanya kencan ke-dua, ke-tiga, dst tidak pernah terharapkan. But it was. Now it's different. Now I look forward to seeing you all the time dan hal setelahnya yang paling ditunggu adalah moment-moment ketika terucapkannya kalimat "see you next week." dan hal itu cukup sukses membuat denyut jantung memompa semakin kencang. Dan kalau arti tiap kata yang menyusun kalimat tersebut belum berubah berarti kalimat dalam Bahasa Inggris tersebut masih dimaknai sebagai, "gue masih mau liat lo lagi minggu depan." Correct me if i'm wrong.

Boy, you used to be the one chasing after me. Now it's all different. Dan bagian tersedihnya adalah gue terlampau sering menjadi orang terakhir yang sangat peduli tentang hal-hal yang sudah kami lewati, dan menjadi orang satu-satunya yang peduli tentang apa yang akan kami lakukan di kemudian hari. And maybe that's why I ended up getting hurt over and over. I tried telling you what I want. What I need from you. But it's like you just don't get it. I want to understand you. But I want to be understood as well.

Now, I felt it all changing. The texts, they got much shorter. The meet-ups even got more brief, eh i mean... Hey, long time no see you, my dear friend. Don't you realize that? And you know, for me it's like I have to beg for your attention. I'm the one tossing and turning missing you. We used to talk nonstop. We wouldn't stop sending messages 'cause we just don't want to stop. Now we just... Stopped. How I see it all changing. How I can see the difference from time to time. Sometimes I thought to myself that I deserve better treatment than this. But I realized... I just have to love myself enough that I'm ready to walk away. I feel like I make the extra effort now.

I don't need to see you every day. I don't need to receive your texts every time. I just need to know that I'm on your mind, because honestly, you're always on mine. I just miss you, that's all.